[18 Oct 2009|12:05pm] everything is a+ except, i miss my caaaaats :( 1+

[29 Jun 2009|06:22pm] i leave for america tomorrow afternoon omgomgomgomgomgomg i am SO scared i am SHITTING MYSELF see you in two months internet, lol. 5+

[07 Feb 2009|12:17am] i have recently been trying to come to terms with the fact that the past two years of my life, ever since i stepped foot in university, have been lived entirely through the crippling grasp of extreme social anxiety. i managed and was so so lucky to find a place where i was comfortable living in early 2008, and i remained there until early summer, but the opening the door to go to the bathroom and then closing it upon realising that someone is in the corridor, the waiting until the kitchen is empty before going down to eat, even if it means eating at midnight, those feelings never went away. currently, every day -- and the mornings are the worst -- is a constant struggle. i am constantly fighting my mind to allow it to let me talk without stumbling or crying or freezing, to let me say hello to someone without being convinced that it would be safer to say nothing at all. when i try to speak to people i am still bumbling, inadequate, my words are effectively content-less, but i'm doing it more, and practice makes perfect does it not? it's exhausting, incredibly frustrating, anxiety-provoking even in itself but i can fight the thoughts now, i have an inner strength which ironically seems to stem from my knowledge that IT MIGHT NOT GET BETTER. and it CERTAINLY won't get better unless i MAKE IT HAPPEN. my self-blame drives me on, psychologists would undoubtedly call it unhealthy, but i'm powering through the only way i've learnt how. i'm faking it to make it. i'm hoping i learn. and I AM INTERESTING. I LIKE MYSELF. i have always liked myself, that is, when i can actually see myself and it is not absorbed by a sheath of self loathing (which, believe me, can co-exist beside self love); that is I LIKE MYSELF WHEN I AM WITH SOME PEOPLE. if i can like myself when i am with all people, anyone, absolutely anyone, named or unnamed, i will have won. i'm working on it. slowly. it's difficult. i'm learning to look forward to things that previously scared the hell out of me. ten months ago i got to know a boy who showed more interest in me than anyone ever has before, and who loved what he found out about me, and although i fear daily that his interest is now waning i am nonetheless still entirely at home when i am with him. i am learning why this is not an altogether good thing. i can't let it consume me or i will disappear. if i exist entirely and exclusively within my own comfort zone, there will be no room for manoeuvre. i will not be able to have a life. i'm trying to find a compromise in this. i'm trying to find a way that i can love him and love myself (and let him love me). it's difficult. i'm realising that every day for the rest of my life will probably be like this. difficult. there are a few people who i love to pieces, who i don't feel cripplingly anxious around. there are a few people who are borderline cases. if i surround myself with the first, the second would perhaps seem less threatening, but that still leaves a whole wide world of people out there who i immediately perceive as infinitely better than me, who will give me shivers by merely existing, and the perhaps sad truth is i will probably always be terrified by that thought, and by the thought of interacting with them. nowadays i fluctuate. i have behaved very, very stupidly in the past six months, hurting the people who i love most in the world, and i am only just now beginning to rectify it. my life seems to require miniature catastrophes before i can identify that the norm is in fact NOT THAT BAD, and the latter stage of this is what i am in right now. the aftermath. i live in a house full of absolutely lovely people who i am absolutely terrified of, and they must know it. this depresses me immensely. the amount of guilt i feel for my inability to connect with them grasps me like a choke chain every single day. but i have moments. moments of connection. they're small, but if i keep at it maybe they'll accumulate to something worthwhile. here's hoping. my relationship with my parents is an entire other essay for me to write. let's just say i miss them half to death, and probably always will, although they're not even too far away. and my fatal aim to please and internal locus of control for absolutely everything is probably due to my childhood, i know, but it is such that i even blame myself for the way i turned out. no-one read this but that's okay, it was for me. tomorrow the fiction begins (and i WILL STICK TO IT THIS TIME). 9+

[28 Jan 2009|11:37pm] tonight i got reminded of how good life can be if given a chance. +

[28 Jan 2009|09:52am] i miss west hendon broadway, i miss it like i have never missed anything before in my life. +

[11 Jun 2008|07:13pm] my journal's a bit dead, guys. i just use it for community posting really. 13+

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